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Learning the Language of Paul
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Interpretting what someone says and what someone means are two different stories. Just because you say you like someone, doesn't mean you necessarily do (in all honesty). Paul Macca is one of those people who can talk a whole lotta jive, but when you get right down to the heart of the matter? Please! He's full a caca. We here at *GBB* kept our McCartney translator handy, while rendering a recent interview (November 23) in TV Guide. We are well aware the language of Paul may be a difficult task to understand, so *GBB* was kind enough to translate it out, for you. In the [bracets] after each statement is *our* interrpretation of what either Paul (or the interviewer) really means. This shall help you understand what's really going on, so as to not confuse what bullsh*t is being said. Jolly good, carry on!
 
(Warning: Read at your own risk. Contains content that may not be suitable for younger or easily-offended indivisuals. If that includes you, do not read further. You've been forewarned).

tvguidepaulie.jpg
God Bless the Beatles III

"Macca's Back" Interview for TV Guide Magazine

TG- You're 60 years old and still making the girls scream [You fat, over-rated geezer. How the hell are you still getting into teeny-bopper's pants?].

PM- The pantomime thing exists [Thank you, mister vocabulary calender].  The older people scream because they remember screaming [I've still got it]. And younger girls have seen it on film, so it's like a tradition [Bullocks! They know I'm sexy].

TG-  The concert is more than two hours long, but you seem to have more energy at the end of the night than the beginning [So do you get enough time for the Viagra to kick in AND screw a groupie during the Intermission or is it steroids?].

PM-  Insane, strange, paradoxical are all the right words to use [Damn, my vocabulary is crunkin']. When I was working with the Beatles, we were on for about half an hour. I'd have roughly half the numbers, John roughly half, and George and Ringo had a number each [wasted songs I could have been singing]. So I was doing 15 minutes tops. Sot is not right that I should now be doing the amount of time I do 30 years later - and really enjoying it [Wait, I'm officially lost]. It's the end of the tour and nobody wants to go home [Please don't leave me alone with Peg!]!

TG- You're a good advertisement for vegitarians [Nice leather shoes, asshole].

PM-  You got it. Twenty-five years now [I need a steak!]. The tour catering is all veggie [Jealous, anyone?]. Everyone on the crew eats it [If I have to suffer, so do you all!]. I'm not paying for meat [Linda's ghost would haunt me if I did]. They all get an allowance [$5.50 an hour, and "tips" for the ladies]. I say, "You want meat? Pop out to McDonald's." [I wonder if they would hire me to be their new spokesperson. There's a lot of money to be made in the fast food industry]. But nobody does. They eat here because it's free and it's from the best restaurant in town [Burger King].

TG- Heather's a vegetarian, too [That's what you think].

PM- Yeah. She wasn't always [Meat eater! Meat eater! Meat eater!].

TG- Would you have married her if she still ate meat [Oh my God, you actually believe she doesn't?]?

PM- That's a good question. I certainly wouldn't have liked her as much ['S a good thing she's got killer knockers!]. If she smoked cigarettes I wouldn't have liked her as much either. But I was lucky [More for me!].

TG- There are some surprising intimate moments in the concert when you remember John and George [It's amazing how much cooler they are than you].

PM- When you're 18, particularly if you're a guy, you hide your emotions. I'm not like that anymore [I am totally down with my feminine side]. So I put "Here Today" in, the song I do for John [Have I ever told you the story of how I came to write "Yesterday"?]. "I really loved you, I'm glad you came along. Then you were here today because you were in my song..." We played a show on John's birthday, and the fans all knew [How the hell would they know that?]. So after singing "Here Today" I said, "We all know what today is, let's do it." And the whole audience sang "Happy Birthday" to John [This is boring. I think you'd rather hear about "Yesterday".]. It was very moving, very emotional [It all happened one night when I woke up with this little tune in me head...].

TG- There's a great bit when you sing George Harrison's "Something" on a ukulele that he gave you for Christmas five years ago. Do you ever regret not having written a song with him [He was better off without you, stupid git].

PM- We were both thinking we'd get around to it. It would have been nice. But I'm not one for regrets [If you don't count Francie]. It was good just to have time with George. Heather and I were just remembering when he and Olivia took us from LA to Las Vegas to see the Cirque de Soleil show [Damn, those clowns were scary!]. And he obviously must have been ill, because it wasn't that long ago [only a fucking year]. But he seemed great. We all thought he was healthy. And it was just after that he got a bad diagnosis. He was just going in for some tests. So we went to see Cirque du Soleil that night [I swear I already said that]. And it was very happy. We had some lovely moments [throwing peanuts at the jump-roping tigers], that being one of the top ones. And when he got ill, we had some lovely moments too [Ramble, ramble, ramble]. So I just take what I can get.

TG- You sing "My Love" for your former wife, Linda, who died in 1998, and "Loving Flame" for Heather, whom you married last June. How did you know Heather was the one [fucking bloody tart]?

PM- The day I met her, she was running up on the stage in a red top. Well I'm telling you, I went "Whoa!" [Control yourself, Old Spanky!]. I was pyschically attracted to her. I own up [An erection counts as physical attraction, right?]. And the joke was, I had a recording session and I went back to the guys, "You should have seen this babe!" [Holy shit, I'm speaking my mind!]. And later I was going, "this is not a babe, this is the woman I'm going to marry." [Obviously, she didn't get a choice in the matter. I had already come to terms that I was going to marry her, like it or not. Luckily, she found interest in me enough to go along with my plan. Did I mention she was already engage when we met? Whatever. I'm Paul. I get what I want.]. I was trying to get all dignified. But I was babed out.  And I told her later, "Hey, it's not the first time it's happened a guy's been attracted physically." [What? You think I married her for her mind?].

TG- She says she's bossy. Do you need bossing around [Please don't be a pussy, Paul! Stand up for yourself].

PM- Well she seems to think so [I'm self-proclaimed pussy-whipped]. I think I'm fine.

TG- You must be very secure with yourself [Dammit! He is a pussy! Arrogant old bastard. You broke my heart].

PM- I think it is that. I'm OK with gay people, too [Had to throw that in there somewhere. Subject-changing is so fun]. Because I'm essentially comfortable with my sexuallity [Are you feeling awkward yet?]. I can goof around with gay people [mostly lesbians]. I sort of know who I am by now. And it's about time [Wait! That didn't make me sound gay or anything, did it?].

TG- Heather has taken some flak in the press lately [Die, bitch, die!!!]. Do you think it's mostly because she married an icon [Gold-digger! Gold-digger!].

PM- Exactly [It's good to be ignorant]. All you've got to do is think back to Linda. Linda got rubbished in the first year or so. And then she was etablished and people got over it [Her age had nothing to do with that]. It's a bit par for the course. But you know, get over it! That's what I say [Guess whose getting lucky tonight after old Peggy reads this interview?].

TG- It wouldn't be easy being married to you [Uh-oh, I said it!!!]. You've got your own baggage [mental issues, self esteem problems, full of yourself], beginning with millions of fans.

PM- Not easy at all [I snore]. It's difficult with the show. I have to say, "I can't stipulate who's going to be in the audience." There might be some good looking girls out there [Lord knows, I'm no stranger to the vagina!]. I say, "Look, there's one consolation - I'm not Tom Jones." [He was notorious for having a small winky]. We don't get knickers [unfortunately]. And I don't court knickers [whatever that means]. I'm not that kind of guy [yes I am]. "Hi baby, you in the third row." But we did have a bra the other night. I was so embarrassed I threw it on Brian Ray (guitarist) [He never gets layed]. He threw it back to me, "No, it's for you!" It was pink {I'm getting a boner just thinking about it].

TG- You took a rain check on your Kennedy Center Honors tribute.

PM- I've got a family wedding, my neice. I told them that on this tour I don't really touch base with my family enough [anything to get away from the Oger]. I said, "Thanks, it's a huge honor but..." And they've been nice enough to say we can do it another time.

TG- Will you sing at the wedding [Plan on getting smashed, don't you?]?

PM- Who knows? It depends on how many drinks I have [YES I DO!!!]. Probably not. But I well might.

TG- you're daughter Stella is getting married, too [I thought she was gay].

PM- She's engaged to Alasdhair Willis. And my daughter Mary's husband is an Alistair. They're spelled differently. I've memorized both. They're nice guys [not that I've ever met them or anything like that].

TG- Did you see the 2000 VH1 TV-movie Two of Us, which fictionalizes you and John spending three days together in 1976, talking about the break-up of the Beatles [That movie was so lame].

PM- Yeah! It's cool. I thought it made one good point, which was, at that time, I was getting accused of being a bit, sort of, "Oh, the cute one and all he wants to do is sing happy songs." [F that! I was a rocker, baby. Ever heard me jams on "Silly Love Songs"?]. Which is a very difficult rap. Because you go, "What's wrong with that?" But in the movie, my character says to John, "At least I'm bloody touring! You're just sittin' in the bloody Dakota!" [Did I mention I memorize all movies having something to do with me?]. I'm glad they said that for me,[makes me sound cool], although I never said it to him [What's a fictional story anyway?]. But that was a good answer to that sort of criticism at the time. But they made up most of the film's content [I'm sure you didn't already know that]. I wish we'd gone to central Park and smoked dope and listened to musicians. We had some good times, but they were much more regular [For instance, we stayed INSIDE whilst smoking pot].

TG- When was the last time you got stoned [if you answer this truthfully, I'll laugh my arse off]?

PM- I don't get stoned [I get smashed!].  I used to smoke a lot. But it doesn't seem necessary anymore [God bless scotch and coke]. I have no problems with people doing it [sex, that is].

TG- You do seem to be a well-adjusted, happy guy [Liar!].

PM- Well, when something's very depressing, I don't laugh [defense mechanism: what do you mean I'm a happy guy?]. I mean, Linda died, and I didn't get in big happy moods. You better believe it [I take compliments way too personally].

TG- How do you feel when you see a commercial set to a Beatles song, such as the health insurance spot using "When I'm Sixty-Four"?

PM- I didn't know about that. But I have mixed feelings. At first I always thought it was very uncool because in some ways it'a a bit demeaning to the song [only I'm allowed to degrade myself through painting books, art exhibits, stamp collections, and publicity weddings!].  Now I don't mind quite as much because I think it's a way young people get to hear the songs [ new generation gets intrigued = more money for Paulie].  So I think it's not too bad, really.

TG- What would people be surprised to know about Heather [Come on! Dish us the dirt!]?

PM- That she's a very lovable [shocking], fun [wouldn't believe it] woman who is a serious cook. My favorite thing is coming home from work, and she's there, and she's got a great meal on [left over pizza and Easy Mac].  And the smell! And she looks great. Life is not bad at all [Now give me my Jack Daniels and let's get wasted down the pub, bitch!].

Original unalterred interview is Copyright TV Guide Magazine. Interview conducted by Holly Millea. All text within [bracets] is NOT part of the actual interview, made-up, fictionalized, and used strictly as entertainment - not to be considered liable or truthful in any way. We do not claim any rights to the original interview; it is the work of the author and TV Guide. Just have to clear that bit up, to avoid any lawsuits! Trust me, we're not getting payed for anything!