Let's read another letter and this one comes from Erin of Virginia. Erin asks, "Ladies' Man...." Yes, that is me. "Ladies Man, do gentlemen REALLY prefer blondes? "Erin, I believe you have contacted the wrong person when your seeking the councel of a GENTLEMEN. Heh heh. You see, I am a LADIES' MAN. I prefer the ladies of all shapes, sizes, and coloring. I believe in integration of the ladies with myself. This makes me a sex god. Hey, it's what I do.
Now, this next letter is from Mickey of San Diego, California. Mickey wants to know, "Dear G. Harri Ladies' Man..." Yeah, that's me. "Dear G. Harri Ladies' Man, how can I go about wife swapping with you? That Pattie Boyd is a real fox! I don't have a wife, but I have a girlfriend. Help a brother out!" Mickey, the trading of wives is serious buisness, my son. We must both have equally sexy women or the deal isn't fair, you see. For example, if I, the Ladies' man were to give you a shag with my Pattie, would I get an equivalent fox (that, being your girlfriend?). Since your interested in this transaction, I will have to view the merchandise prior to agreement. Please send a picture labeled "Mickey's Girlfriend" so I can go in for better inspection.
I'm digging in my love bag for another letter. Ooo, this one's from Maureen of Liverpool, England. A local chick, heh heh. Let's see what she has to say: "George..." I think she means G. Harri. "George, why haven't you called me? Ringo's not been round and I miss your company. You told me you lov-" Yeah, this is obviously a letter from some derranged fan. We'll just put this one right here next to the love fire-place and move on.
"Dear G. Harri, are you the best out of the other Ladies' Men: J. Lenny, P. Macca, and R. Starr?" That is a very intriguing question, Lindy of Ohio. I wouldn't consider myself conceited or full of myself, so I will answer honestly whom is the best from the four of us. The truth is: Its me. Yes, I am surely the sexiest, and best in all your romantic arenas. Kissing, fondling, among other things, I top the cake. Yes, I win the award at being the best. I can't help but be this good looking, and don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful. I was born with this face, and its only gotten better. But I'm not here to gloat about how much incredibly better I am than the other ladies' men. I'm not here to rub in their faces that I have the best build, and bone structure. I am not here to tell them to their faces that I am a sex god and the only one with his own love-line. Yes, I am a fair man. Why would I brag?
Susy Q. of Edinburough asks, "Ladies' Man..." Yeah, that is me. "Ladies Man, I'm having some emotional troubles in my life. Its my self-esteem..." Yeah, okay. Your self-esteem, I see. Now...what is that? "I am very over-weight and it affects my social life. What can I do?" Oh, so your a fat lady? The Ladies' Man, here has never been plagued with the fat-syndrome. But regardless, I think I can help. Try avoid eating anything that contains fat in it. Here are a list of things that I recommend you stay away from: Pizza, hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, sodas, chicken, steak, lasagna, speghetti, tacos, cream cheese, nuggets, cake, pie, salad dressing, croutons, pudding, cupcakes, cheese sticks, chips, cookies, seafood, breadsticks, pasta, butter, crackers, ham, pork loins, burritos, and meat of any kind. Yes, if you refrain from ever eating any of those food products, you should be skinny in no time. And once that has happened, you let me know how it works out and maybe you and I can have a drink together...
Speaking of drinks, my Couversier is half empty and my Clinique Happy smell is wearing off which means this addition of "G. Harri the Ladies' Man" is over. Tune in next week, when I travel to Italy to investigate the skank-culture on the streets at night. I know *I* am looking foward to it. Good night!
Hello, how you doin' you crazy cats out there? Welcome to the Ladies' Man Intermission. This is just a short, sample version of our regular, entire program. I It is I, G. Harri, the Ladies' Man, here to extend my advice to all of your romantic queries. Why turn to the Ladies' Man when love is hard? Because I'm the equivalent of a sex god. But you already knew that, I'm sure. G. Harri has helped many of you personally, heh heh, so you know what I'm layin' down on ya. Oh hold on everyone, I think the Ladies' Man just made a pun...why yes I did.
Let's see what the old love bag has in store for us tonight. We only have time for one letter since this is only a sample for whats in store for you when you watch "G. Harri, the Ladies' Man". Here's a nice looking letter from...an anonymous lady. It says here that she wants to keep her identity to herself but she used to date Paul for 6 months, they broke up, and now she's reaping profits from exploiting their sex life. I think I know who this is, but she wants to remain anonymous so I won't give you any hints of who it may be. I won't tell you that her first name begins with an F or that her last name begins with an S. No, her privacy is her buisness. So lets just give her a fake name - how about Francie S.? No wait, thats way too obvious. Okay, what about F. Schwartsee? Oh, I got it! We'll call her Jill. Okay then, Jill writes, "Dear Ladies' Man, its been 38 years since I last had a date and I'm beginning to think its because I'm an old, two-faced, greedy, money-reaping b*tch. But its not MY fault! If Paul...I mean, my last boyfriend and I, had stayed a couple, I wouldn't have to write books and audio cassettes about him! What can I do to find love again?" Oh look everyone, Fran- uh, Jill, JILL has enclosed a picture of herself and...oh my sweet Lord! Jill, from the looks of it, I can understand why love has been avoiding you. You see, you have a common but infortunent disorder entitled in the medical field as "UgliousHoItus". Some symptons of UgliousHoItus are bags under the eyes, saggage of the jowels, and droopage of the boobies. Here is my only advice: Have your entire face lifted, allign your cheeks, remove the fat in your stomach, have your goodies lifted and implanted while your at it, suck out that cellulite from those pork chop thighs, remove them ugly spider-veigns, remove the moles, and dye your hair. I've seen some construction on women's faces but this is a total melt-down. The sum ammount of these procedures would only be $100,000. Ha ha ha, I'm only kidding with you, Jill........but seriously, kill yourself.
This has been a Ladies' Man Intermission!
Yeah, hello and welcome to the show. It is I, G. Harri, the Ladies' Man. I have returned once again to supply my ever-growing gift of answering your romantic queries. Yes, for I believe in sharing my gift with the world and that is why I, am a sex God. I'm sitting here in the skanky shag-pad, with my bottle o' Courvoisier cognac half-full, which means we're ready to begin. So, let's take in some calls. You can reach me at the number flashing on your screen: Dat's 1-800-DUH-BUTT, I repeat, 1-800-DUH-BUTT. Okay, caller number one, you on da air. What's a shaking, baby?
Caller # 1: [flushed] Oh um, nothing much, I suppose. I just needed you advice on something.
Oo, its a lady! Well, dats what I'm hear for, honey. What seems to be the problem?
Caller # 1: Okay, last weekend, I went down the pub with some friends and I got really, really drunk. Consequently, I ended up sleeping with some stranger I don't even know! Ugh, I'm so ashamed. Let alone, terrified!
Oh, dat don't sound too bad, chicky baby. In fact...that sound pretty good! Heh heh, that sound REAL good.
Caller # 1: No, no its not good at all! What if I got some kind of STD?!
[rubs chin] STD, oh man, the Ladies' Man didn't even think of that...yeah. Now, what is that?
Caller # 1: Um, a sexually transmitted disease.
Oh right! You mean an itch-itch on the crotch-crotch. Gotcha! Yeah, dose are not coo'. But my lady, you have nothing to fear. For I have had all of them. Yes, my bad. Just slap some Miodol on it and it should be okay...
Caller # 1: But Miodol isn't for...
Yeah, next caller! Caller # 2, you're on the air. This is the Ladies' Man.
Caller # 2: Hello? Um, hi.
Oo, its a lady!
Caller # 2: That's right. Actually, I'm more of a woman in my fifties.
Das coo', the Ladies' Man love women of all shapes, sizes, and ages. What's your romantic querie, baby?
Caller # 2: Its about my husband. You see, lately, he's been having problems with...impedence.
Yeah, impedence...and uh, whats dat?
Caller # 2: It affects...you know...his performance. And we're wondering if he should start taking some kind of stimulant to, you know...
Oh! You mean old-man-wang! Yes, the proper scientific term for that condition is homoerectus. Dat is where da wang won't work its glorious wonders due to aging. Luckily, I, G. Harri, haven't yet to bare this burden of Satan. Heh heh. But others are not as fortunate as I, like for example, your skank.
Caller # 2: Husband.
Whatev'ah. Now, I suggest you explore different areas that will diminish his condition. One popular little known drug was named after a great man of whom the Ladies' Man trully admires. It was even made in a candy form, for a pleasurable taste. They call it: Clinton Poppers.
Caller # 2: Do those really work?
From experience, I know not. Though I can tell you those little buggers gave Bill one helluva 4 year presidency. Heh heh.
Caller # 2: Great! Thank you so much for your help!
Hey, thats what I do. I am so privledged to reach out to so many people with my public broadcasted show. Now, we only have time for one more skank. Caller number three? You're up! What's a happening, baby?
Caller # 3: Tee hee! Like totally, hello, Ladies' Dude.
Hey, its a lady! How you doin', lady?
Caller # 3: Oh, I am feeling totally neato.
Dats good, dats good. How may I be of service to you, chicky?
Caller # 3: Okay, well first of all, I'm like all famous and junk so can you promise to keep my identity all secret-ified?
Heh heh. NOW the Ladies' Man remembers you. When am I going to be seeing you again?
Caller # 3: Soon, soon! I promise, I just gotta keep Pa-...I mean, my totally not-rich boyfriend preoccupied. He's touring anyway and I think thats gay.
I understand, my uni-leg friend. Your romantic querie?
Caller # 3: Oh right! Tee hee, like I forget sometimes. Here's my dillemma: my boyfriend's ex-wife keeps all haunting me and junk. Its scary! My boyfriend doesn't believe me and stupid Geoff...er, that's the name of our...dog...won't help at all.
Yeah, dat is not coo'. Have you tried killing her?
Caller # 3: Well she's already dead anywho.
Sounds like you've got a problem.
Caller # 3: I know, I totally do! I asked Miss Cleo and she was all like, "Yeah, ex-wives are not neato." Then she went on to tell me that I'm dating someone who is very rich and old. Gosh, like pyschics are so amazing!
Yes, they are even more amazing in bed.
Caller # 3: What?
Nothing. Well, I'm sorry the Ladies' Man can't help you with your dead spirit haunting you but maybe that dog of yours can. Thanks for calling, anyway.
Caller # 3: Like, no problem! I'll see you tonight, okay?
Yeah, sounds good. Alright ladies, my bottle of Courvoisier cognac is dripping dry which means this edition of the Ladies' Man is now complete. Thanks for tuning in and come back next week when I get my groove on in da historical center. Heh heh, its gonna be one EDUCATIONAL experience...yeah. So I'll see you then! Until next time, this is G. Harri, telling all your ladies to keep drinkin' and keep skankin'. G'night!